remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
