at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Randomize
