Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Randomize
