I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
On imdb the canadians say It's amazing
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
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