The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
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