I'm gonna have a badass scar
i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
Randomize
