I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
