you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Randomize
