Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
