This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
Randomize
