I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
I queefed so loud it echoed.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize
