The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
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