Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Randomize
