Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
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