I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
Randomize
