so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
You should frame my arrest warrant.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Randomize
