Bisexual people are plain selfish.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
