I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
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