You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
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