I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
Randomize
