You just made me feel so damn special
I hope mine doesn't look like that
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
she's traveling up the coast with her camera and a stash of pot cookies eating food from different campuses. said she slept in a closet 2 states away last nite... of course I'm interested
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Randomize
