i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
Randomize
