Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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