i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
Randomize
