I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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