Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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