when I scratched it gently some sort of watery looking stuff came out...so then I just stopped thinknig about it.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
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Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
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You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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