I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
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Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
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I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
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