I puked a lego.
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
