That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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