my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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