I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Randomize
