btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
