If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I deserve this hangover.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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