More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
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