Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
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