she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
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