I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
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