Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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