just come out here and I will go home with you...
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
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