how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
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