I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
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