I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
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do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
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If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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