drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
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