well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
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