I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Randomize
