she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
I stole a fireplace last night.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
