miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Randomize
