1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
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