At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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