turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Found the puke drawer
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
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