His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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