final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
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